Two tried and true secrets to weight loss

Do you really want to know the two secrets to weight loss? I have them, and I am about to share them with you here:

First, get your wisdom teeth out and suck down protein shakes as your main source of nourishment for a few days.

Then, right when you’re on the brink of being able to chew solid food and return to normalcy, get your hands on some kind of nasty, awful gastrointestinal infection and watch as your insides revolt and find the quickest exit out of your body.

I promise you’ll drop weight. I dropped 4 pounds in 3 days. Yikes.

So I have bad luck.

Okay fine, I have really shitty luck when it comes to my health. I don’t know why. I always have. No matter how well I take care of myself, something ridiculous always happens.

Ever since embarking on this journey, I have been feeling amazing. I had some momentum going into the wisdom teeth removal and them BAM! Get slammed with some mystery intestinal war. And now all I can eat ARE carbs. How ironic... All I can stomach are saltines, jello and freaking popsicles. Its absolutely awful. I’m not even kidding. I’m CRAVING protein, but I’m terrified of eating it right now. So I’ll just remain on the carb bloat. Ugh.

I can’t even tell you how anxious I am to return to normal and can get back on the train.

What I’m really going to miss is boobs

Well, now that I’ve got your attention....

But really I do want to talk about this, because, well, its happening. And I apologize to my mother in advance for this post because I know exactly what she’s going to say.

Growing up I never had boobs. I was a gymnast, I didn’t have much of anything other than calf muscles and sweet triceps and amazing lats. Those were my accomplishments. But I bet you never heard the boys snicker “yo did you see the tri’s on that chick? So hot.” So there was much to be desired in the chestal area for me.

While all the 12 and 13 year old girls were out buying bras, I was cutting my leotards to look like bras and stuffing them with shoulder pads. Yes, shoulder pads. Did you know that they are the perfect shape for pseudo-boobs, are easy to adjust, and look waaaay better than handfuls of tissues? Its a damn good thing I’m clever.

It wasn’t until college when I got substantial boobs. The freshman fifteen finally caught up to me my junior year. I blew up, everywhere. Boobs, butt, muffin top, all of it. But I remember waking up one morning in my apartment on Pembroke Ave my junior year, looked down at myself and said “holy crap when did these get here?” It was a day of both joy and sadness. Joy because I finally FINALLY had boobs. And sadness because I only got the boobs because there was no other place for my body to put the fat. You can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

Years later, here we are. And one month into this, my boobs are slowly departing. And while I’m somewhat saddened by this, because really, boobs are awesome, I’m also somewhat happy. I was never meant to have them. I never knew how to properly support them. And I was getting sick of the rate of growth vs. the rate of me wanting to show them off. Because lets be honest, boobs aren’t that cool when your muffin top is competing for prominence. So even though they have been there, I haven’t really been able to do anything with them other than cover them up along with the rest of my body.

And now everything is shrinking. Boobs, butt, muffin top, all of it. And while I’m saddened to say good-bye to the twins, I think I’ll be okay without them.

So long as muffin top packs up and goes with them.

My fellow Blog Followers.

I have neglected you, and I am sorry.

But, over the course of my absence, I can confirm that I did not. Resume. Relations. With. Carbs.

And I’m not lying.

Several major events have occurred:

First. People are starting to talk about me. In a good way. And to my face (whoa). Things like “you are really looking great, Corey” and “look at those guns, Corey” are flying around out there. It feels good to be noticed for positive changes.

Second. I have my workout program in its entirety. My upper body program, lower body/core program and my Energy System Training program.

My what?

Don’t worry about it. Just know that its 25 minutes of sweat and profanity inducing intervals.

The other two lifting programs are pretty intense too, each reduce me to spaghetti (you know, that feeling when your extremities feel like wet noodles? Yeah that). I EVEN got up at 5:30 one morning to workout. Okay I did it once, BUT, I did it, and I’ll be doing it again. Extenuating circumstance (read: excuses) kept me from doing it all last week but, I’m going after that 5:30 am wakeup for workout this week, fear not!

Overall, let me just say that in the one month I’ve been doing this, I feel like a completely different person. Its incredible the impact that food has on your life, good and bad. I have realized that for the past 26 years I’ve been living in a carb coma. And that has effected me in ways I never thought possible. And now that I’m slowly but surely detoxing my body from the effects of the 26 year coma, I can’t imagine going back. I can’t imagine waking up every day feeling like I didn’t sleep for a second. I can’t imagine stuffing my face full of a plate of pasta and feeling that hunger-hole in my stomach 5 minutes later. I can’t imagine the insulin crashes and stress binging. Ugh how disgusting that all made me feel.

And a long over-due shout out to all those supporters out there. All of you. Everyone that asks how I’m doing, everyone commenting on these posts, everyone with encouragement, thank you. Because if you weren’t checking in on me then, it would be a lot easier to not hold myself accountable. So, thanks. Again. Keep it coming!

AND I'll try to decrease the distance between posts. Sorry 'bout that :-)